The Parody
by Rug
Summary: If you can't be bothered to trawl through the 10s of 1000s of HP fanfics, but you're worried you might be missing something important, fear not! It all comes down to 10 or 11 basic plotlines, and here they are, combined for the first time in ONE fic!


parodie.html Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns the characters, and I'd say 79% (at a conservative estimate) of HP authors on this site own the plot lines. Hey, I'm just here to make fun ;) Enjoy! 

THE PARODY - A SATIRE ON HP FANFICTION 

It was the start of another school term at Hogwarts. and Harry sat in the Great Hall, with his arm around Hermione, and Ron at his side. 

"I love you," he told her. His green eyes glowed with love. 

"You too ... I always knew we were meant to be," Hermione gushed dreamily. 

Just then, Dumbledore cleared his throat to make an announcement. 

"Welcome back everyone." His eyes twinkled mysteriously. "It's delightful to see you all again after the long Christmas break. However, I would like to   
extend an especially warm, jolly-hockey-sticks British welcome to our new pupil this term, all the way from Los Angeles, USA ... welcome to Gryffindor,   
Susie May!" 

Harry glanced down the table, where the tall, blonde, beautiful new girl was blushing prettily. His jaw dropped. 

"Harry!" Hermione hissed. "Not yet!" 

Harry looked confused. "But ... I have to fall in love with the beautiful American transfer student. It's against the laws of nature otherwise." 

"Yes," Hermione said patiently, "but this is an H/H fic at the moment, remember? You'll have to wait until I've dumped you for Ron." 

"What's an H/H fic?" Harry asked. 

"Never mind," Hermione sighed. 

SOME YEARS EARLIER ... 

James, Sirius and Remus were strolling together through the grounds of Hogwarts. Sirius and Remus were walking rather closer than might have been   
expected, but James didn't notice - ha had a faraway look on his face. 

"What's up with you?" his companions playfully demanded of him. 

"Lily ..." James sighed. 

"What, you mean the dizzy looking redhead from the common room?" 

James sighed. "She just looks so sweet ... and vulnerable ... and lonely ... and in need of support ..." 

Just then, as if by magic or a very predictable plot twist, Lily came round the corner, her head buried in a book. James thought he caught the glimmer of a   
small tear on her perfect cheek. 

"Lily!" he cried. 

"Oh James ..." Lily collapsed into his arms and sobbed. 

"It's okay, Lily. You've got me now." Lily looked up into James's face, and they kissed. 

Sirius and Remus looked at each other. Sirius asked, "Do you think we should tell them about us yet?" 

"Let's wait until they've finished," Remus advised. 

SOME YEARS EARLIER ... 

Harry, Hermione and Ron were sitting alone in the common room - Fred and George were off training for the England quidditch squad, Neville, Dean   
and Seamus had opted out of the plot, and all the girls were obediently completing their potions homework for the school's number one heart-throb,   
Snape. 

"I'm bored," Ron announced. 

"I've got an idea," Hermione suggested. "We could spend the rest of the story chatting away in mindlessly inane dialogue that looks as though it's been   
written by a six year old, then blame it on the sugar." 

"What story? What sugar?" Harry asked. 

"Never mind," Hermione sighed. "It was a stupid idea anyway." 

"Harry put his arms around Hermione, and started kissing her. 

"Umm ... listen, Harry, I've been thinking ... you're a really nice guy and all that, and I do like you as a friend, but I think it might be time to end it." 

"Oh my god!" Harry cried. "I'm devastated! Why? Why? Why???" 

"I've fallen in love with Ron," Hermione explained. 

Harry shrugged. "Fair enough. If you'll excuse me, I have to go and find that American transfer student." 

SOME YEARS EARLIER ... 

Lily and James were walking through the Hogwarts grounds hand in hand, and Remus and Sirius were doing the same. 

"Isn't it nice how we've all paired off like this?" James sighed. 

"Wait a second," Lily pointed out, "what about Peter?" 

"Who's Peter?" James, Remus and Sirius asked. 

Just then, they all heard an evil cough, and turned around. 

"Good morning," came the oily voice of Lucius Malfoy. 

"Piss off, Lucius," James spat. "No-one wants to speak to the devil incarnate." 

Lucius's eyes flashed red. "You're all against me," he spat. "It's just as well that I wouldn't want to hang around with a bunch of creeps like you   
anyway." 

At that moment Dumbledore came past, wearing a brightly coloured kaftan decorated with psychedelic flowers. 

"Yo, dudes," he greeted them, "I'm getting bad vibes. Tell me what's uncool." 

"Oh professor, Lucius Malfoy is being all mean and nasty," James whimpered. 

"Peace and love," Dumbledore said hazily. "Long live rock and roll." With that, he wandered off. 

"Ooh," Lucius fumed, "Everyone in this entire place is out to get me. But you wait and see, one day I'll destroy you! I'll destroy you all!   
Mwahahahaha!" 

"Don't worry, Lily," James whispered, "I'll protect you." 

SOME YEARS LATER ... 

The son of Lucius Malfoy, Draco, was walking sadly along the corridor. He felt so lonely and isolated. Oh, if only someone would hear his pain! 

Parvati and Lavender came giggling down the corridor. 

"Hi, Draco!" Parvati giggled. "Did you see the way Snape looked at me in potions this morning?" 

"I'm so jealous," Lavender giggled. 

"You should be! He's gorgeous!" Parvati giggled. 

"What do you think, Draco?" they giggled. 

Draco shrugged. "Whatever." He felt the utmost tedium in the company of these shallow people. 

Parvati and Lavender went off, giggling. 

Suddenly, before Draco's eyes, a vision of salvation appeared. A young girl, not giggling, but walking alone down the corridor like himself, seriously and with purpose - on her way to a destination. Oh, why had he never before been enlightened as to this side of Ron Weasley's spotty little sister? 

"Ginny," he whispered. 

Ginny looked up. "Yes?" 

*Yes*. A word so simple, yet with so much meaning ... Draco felt the need to pour his heart out to her. 

"Oh Ginny, I'm so lonely ... I feel terrible about my father's bad deeds ... and he never loved me. He always beat me ... my mother tried to stop him, but he beat her too ... I'm not such a bad person really, it's all him! Him! And I've never had anyone to talk to about it ... until now." 

"Draco ... oh Draco, I'm lonely too." 

They looked at each other for a moment ... then Draco took Ginny up in a passionate embrace. 

HALF AN HOUR LATER ... 

Harry and Susie May were kissing in the Gryffindor common room. Susie May had just been explaining her perfect school and conduct records, and tragic history, all of which Harry found incredibly sexy. Hermione and Ron regarded them fondly. 

"This is nice, isn't it?" Ron commented, his arm around Hermione. "We've all paired off." 

"Hang on," Hermione said, "what about Neville?" 

"Who's Neville?" 

"And Parvati, and Lavender, and everyone else in the story?" 

"What story?" 

"Never mind," Hermione sighed. "But I'm happy for Draco and Ginny." 

"What about Draco and Ginny?" Ron asked angrily. 

Just then Ginny came into the common room, her hair looking distinctly ruffled. "Ron," she confided, "I think I might be pregnant." 

ONE WEEK LATER ... 

As the school was peacefully enjoying a meal in the Great Hall to celebrate Ginny's forthcoming event, there was a sudden commotion as Lord Voldemort burst through the door. 

"Oh god, not again," Harry muttered, disentangling himself from Susie May and searching for his wand. 

"Where is he?" Voldemort growled. 

"Here I am," said Harry, waving. 

"Not you!" Voldemort cried. "Lucius Malfoy, my rival for most evil man in the universe!" 

"Here!" Lucius cried, apparating out of nowhere. 

Hermione raised her eyebrows. "That's another one who's forgotten that people can't apparate on the school grounds ..." 

"Another what?" Ron asked, swooning. 

"Never mind," Hermione sighed. 

"Malfoy, riddle, I command you both to leave!" Dumbledore cried; before being knocked out by a double memory charm from the evil geniuses. 

"Professor! Are you all right?" Hermione exclaimed. 

"Peace and love," Dumbledore mumbled. "Long live rock and roll." 

Lucius and Voldemort stood face to face. The whole school fell silent. What was it to be? A slanging match? A full-blown duel? Or perhaps even Avada Kedavra? 

"How dare you compete with me!" Voldemort cried. 

"You're nothing but an over inflated ego in a silly cloak," Lucius scoffed. "I, on the other hand, have class. I am a Malfoy, after all!" 

"Okay, you asked for it. Avada Kedavra!" 

Lucius Malfoy was dead. Ginny gasped in that pretty, feminine way of hers. 

Voldemort took one look at the corpse and burst into tears. "I'm so-o-o-orrrrrrry! I never meant to do it! I'm a good person! But no-one understands me ... won't someone please understa-a-a-and meeeeeeee?" He fell to his knees and wept. 

Susie May patted him on the shoulder. "It's okay. Gee, it looks like you need counselling. Here's the number of my therapist ... her name's Miss Macaroon, and she's very good. You'll like her." 

Voldemort blanched, and passed out. 

TWO DAYS LATER ... 

Dumbledore's memory had been restored, and he was conducting Lucius Malfoy's funeral. 

"Lucius Malfoy," he began, "was a nasty piece of work. Detested by all, including his wife and son, he lived his life in search of evil deeds to do and misery to inject into people's lives ..." 

"That's it," Hermione proclaimed loudly, "I'm bored of this fic now. Where's the 'back' button?"   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
